Finding an amazing partner has been the single highest leverage thing I’ve done in my life.
You spend more time with your partner than with anyone else. Everyone knows the saying, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” but few acknowledge it’s a power law equation. In most cases your romantic partner dwarfs the other four.
Your choice of romantic partner touches every aspect of your life. It’s not just your domestic and sexual happiness. It’s your social happiness — the relationships and hobbies you pursue and your connection to community. It’s your health: sleeping well, eating well, and taking care of your body. It’s your emotional well-being: how you recover from setbacks, navigate hardship, and celebrate success and allow yourself to experience joy. And it’s your career success: your partner doesn’t just influence what jobs you choose but also your work ethic, your level of ambition, and whether or not you feel supported in taking bold chances that could result in the greatest successes. The right partner amplifies your best traits while buffering your shortcomings.
Despite all this, people often let themselves remain stuck in mediocre relationships. They trap themselves with their own fears of the pain, inconvenience, and shame of going through a breakup, plus the uncertainty whether something better lies on the other side. It’s easy to talk yourself into sticking with the status quo even if it’s uninspiring. But the same status quo bias is actually limiting you in all endeavors. Settling for mediocrity in your primary relationship is settling for mediocrity in all aspects of your life.
There’s a tremendous amount of inertia, especially when you live with a partner, but the moment you start analyzing “is this the right partner for me” the same way you shop for a car is the moment you know the real answer is no. It’s just your head trying to convince your heart to stay in it. The truth is, if it’s not a “fuck yes”, it’s a no.
I know — because I used to do this too.
So how do you fix this and create the conditions where finding your dream relationship is not just possible, but likely?
- Become the person your dream partner will be attracted to. Seeking someone growth-oriented? Be growth-oriented yourself. Seeking someone curious and kind? Be curious and kind. You don’t need to overlap in everything, but you need to know your core values and live them before you will attract your match. Don’t put up with behaviors and attitudes in yourself that you wouldn’t want in a partner. Be the version of you that your dream partner would be thrilled to have in their life.
- Stop looking for validation. No amount of external validation (read: sleeping with people so you feel worthy of love) will ever make you feel good. No body count will ever make you sexy. Validation comes from within, not from someone else in your bed — and that remains true even when you find your dream partner. So stop looking for someone else to make you feel whole. When you love who you are, just as you are, you’ll be ready.
- Accept the possibility that you may be alone forever. Deep down, give up all attachment to needing a partner and truly accept that you could be alone forever. Only once you accept this are you free to be who you actually are inside, attracting people who love you for you — not some construct you’ve created to attract a mate. Live an amazing life on your own terms. Any partner should be the cherry on top, not the whole sundae.
- Curate your social life. Again, the rule of “you are the average of the 5 people you spend most time with” arises. Marie Kondo relationships that no longer align. Set and enforce boundaries. Failure to do so will result in people dragging you down to their level and miring you in their bullshit, and the bullshit people they’re around. Find people who challenge you to be better, who make you uncomfortable with how awesome they are — showing you your own shortcomings. Use the discomfort for your own growth. Welcome it. Keep going.
- Play to win, not “not to lose”. Be bold. Be earnest. Don’t play games — your ideal partner doesn’t. Look them in the eye and tell them how you feel about them. If you like their smile or their wit or their sense of wonder — say it. Show up with flowers. Pay for dinner. Pay for the museum tickets. The money doesn’t matter relative to the the reward. And if you feel friction or hesitation with any of that, take that as a sign. Dump people quickly, kindly, and firmly. A simple, “Hey, this isn’t what I’m looking for, and I wish you every happiness on your journey” is fine. And when you say it: mean it. Deeply, earnestly mean it. You want them to find happiness, even if it isn’t with you. You attract the energy you put out.
This is not necessarily a quick or easy process. While finding an amazing partner was one of my biggest life unlocks last year, it was years in the making and wouldn’t have happened without a lot of brutally honest self-reflection. But the payoff speaks for itself:
I sleep better (and go to sleep earlier). I’m more focused and motivated in my work and happier with it. I travel more. I’m physically healthier. I have better mental health — not because I’m no longer single, but because I have a built-in supporter of my self-development journey (as does she). It’s been an accelerant for so many parts of both of our lives: we both make each other better versions of ourselves, as steel sharpens steel. No matter what happens, this has set a new high bar for what I know a relationship can be and the impact it can have on my life.
So: what are you waiting for?